Today's News From the Peoples Socialist Republic of America
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Now, in today’s news:
This morning His Excellency, President for Life Obama signed into law, legislation requiring all professing Christians not enrolled on the PSRA list of approved denominations to now register with the Department of Homeland Security and complete the newly implemented ‘Declaration of Religious Intent’. Citing recent data suggesting that certain Christians not affiliated with the Government approved faith, Chrislam, are among various individuals and groups most likely to pose a threat to National Security. At an information dissemination seminar, the President explained that implementing this new legislation would require so-called Christians to agree in writing to practice their religion peacefully and in compliance with the newly enacted Acceptable Social Behaviors Act. Any violation would result in detention at one of the Federal Emergency Security Administration (FESA) re-education camps pending a full investigation of their religious and personal activities.
In response, His Excellency’s compassion and concern for his fellow countrymen was commended by members of the New People’s Parliament. While the highly regarded institute, United Christians for Social Justice praised the legislation, some of the more “conservative” and contentious groups and leaders called for a prayer vigil outside the Presidential Palace to seek guidance for His Excellency and the Administration. Security officials are attempting to determine if this is perhaps a veiled threat against his Excellency. It should be noted that these very same groups were fiercely opposed to the dissolution of the Constitution, the addition of the Presidential Life Service Term of Office, not to mention designating the newly formed faith, Chrislam, as the official religion of The PSRA. These groups protested despite the necessity of uniting and healing this country after the great Civil Uprising of 2014 – an event attributed to so-called ‘Constitutionalists’ and various Christian organizations. We will have more on this protest as it becomes available.
In other news today, the President for Life visited the newly erected Lincoln Memorial Universal Mosque and Prayer Garden. Since it was discovered that President Lincoln was, in truth, a Muslim, it has been a dream of His Excellency’s to recognize the great contribution to the world great Muslim leaders like Abraham Lincoln, and, indeed, our Most Excellent President for Life B. Hussein Obama himself, have had on this great and vibrant country. During his visit our Great Leader made a brief speech recognizing the incredible and positive changes in this country that have occurred thanks to extensive efforts by the President himself in cooperation with open minded Islam/Christian leaders like newly ordained Chrislam Pastor-Imam Jeff Warner. Referring to the newly implemented ‘Provocative Language’ legislation which Warner helped draft, PFL Obama looked forward with optimism to the dawn of a new peaceful dialogue about issues of faith in this country. “This legislation will do wonders for curtailing the hateful and divisive rhetoric issued from behind the pulpits of many so-called Christians. Mr. Obama told the crowd of ardent listeners, “now, with real consequences for speaking in negative or critical language on issues such as same sex marriage and homosexuality as well as attempting to link Islam to terrorism and abuses of human rights Pastors and Ministers will be much more careful before issuing divisive and hurtful statements that at one time they might have gotten away with by hiding behind the Bible and the former first amendment.” This was greeted with tremendous applause by the crowd, applause which PFL Obama accepted with his usual grace and humility. Shortly afterwards the World Council on One World Religion issued a statement commending the PFL for his efforts in uniting the world’s religions and praising Chrislam as the new Universal religion that will unite all peoples.
The day was only slightly marred by a few protesters who displayed signs making various ridiculous and false claims about the Islamic faith and its record on women’s rights and other worn out issues and declaring Chrislam a false religion. The protesters were quickly detained by officers of the DHS’s Department of Appropriate Public Assembly. Questions of unwarranted brutality by the officers were quickly rejected by the department spokesman. While three protesters apparently died and several others severely injured it was, according to department sources, a result of resistance by the protesters themselves forcing officers to defend themselves. Something thoroughly justified based on descriptions by the officers of the rabid violence exhibited by the protestors.
Finally, more good news on the economy! The last of 750 new labor camps have been completed and able bodied men and women can now apply for positions varying from common laborer to clerical assistant for those with some education. As always, loyal Muslim or Chrislam men with a written recommendation from their Pastor-Imam can apply for security positions. Those showing proper loyalty, dedication and submission to authority may even find promotion to the People’s Special Service Branch which opens the door to almost unlimited opportunity, from armed patrol officer to elite positions with the BMU, (the Behavior Monitoring Unit). Be sure to apply now. Note, only men responsible enough to have avoided having children, preferably by abortion (thereby maintaining the viable fetal cell bank) may apply. Those with children should be advised: Bread lines and soup kitchens will soon be prohibited. Churches presently defying Presidential decree to cease and desist in assisting the destitute will be actively prosecuted if they do not cease these activities. The destitute are required to report to the Presidential Department for Social Entitlements and receive their permanent Identification and Tracking Seal. Once they have received the Seal they will be eligible for Government benefits, food, healthcare and child education and health benefits. Refusal of the Mark on religious basis will be considered groundless. Benefits will only be available with the Seal. With the addition of the work camps and the Social Benefits now being made available through the new Entitlements program a new and bright future is available to everyone.
It should be noted that those citizens who still have not received their Seal must do so within the next 30 days. After that period all cash worldwide will be declared valueless and only those with the Seal will be able to buy and sell or have access to their funds. You will recall that the World Bank, in a heroic and very successful effort, along with co-operation of all 10 major world Banking leagues staved off a worldwide economic meltdown resulting from the European Euro crisis and the former United States depression. By moving the world to a single global currency, and now to the new cashless cyber-currency the ‘Big Ten’ will have created a stable global economy guaranteeing the future PFL Obama envisions for our country. By the way, remember, all precious metals are, as of last year, the sole property of the Government. If you did not turn in and redeem your precious metals at that time any you may have in your possession could result in a Capital Felony. Please, do the right thing. Turn in your coinage and precious metals now!
Thank you and please remember possession of any kind of Firearm is grounds for public execution. This has been a public service….. Just a moment…. Please standby…..
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Citizens, we are not certain and information is sketchy but it would appear that some sort of event, possibly worldwide, has occurred. We are not sure but…. perhaps millions, across the globe have suddenly…. disappeared. Information is still coming in…
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This has been a news and information broadcast by the Information Ministry of the PSRA – Your one and only Administration Approved News Source – Fair, Balanced and Complete. Long Live President for Life Obama!
Please forgive me for having a little fun. Things have been so gloomy lately I thought a little humor was in order – though it is definitely on the ‘dry’ side of the humor scale. Nevertheless, you just know this is what Obama fantasizes about when he is lying in bed or sitting in on some boring National Security Briefing. I don’t think his fantasies end with the rapture though….
Thanks for reading. Hope you didn’t find this too big a waste of time.